Today was my worst day as a Mum and as I sit here eating my feelings (double chocolate cake from Patisserie Valerie no less…!) I am only just starting to let go of the stress & tension that I have carried with me all day. We are heading into a new adventure as a family, travelling the country on tour with a musical in a different venue every week. I didn’t go into this lightly; I knew it would be challenging to be away from home but I thought I might get a few more weeks in before the meltdowns began.

We started with a 6am wakeup call from a very excited Isla… we did our best to convince her to make it to her usual 7am but not quite… a short first nap and then we headed down to Manchester’s aquatics centre to check out the baby pool. A sweltering walk, baby wearing in the heat, all the way there only to discover the baby pool was closed but ‘the guy who updates the website isn’t in today…’. Good. Back we go. I got glass in my foot… And on it went…

Do you ever have those days where every little thing seems to go against you? Heavy doors slamming on you – making it impossible to get the pram inside, a screaming baby that keeps trying to pull your hair or pinch you no matter what you do to soothe them, a phone dying just as you need the maps the most – leaving you to ask strangers who all recommend you go in opposite directions… Yup. Now you see why I need the cake.

But what do you do when this tiny person relies on you to be an all knowing oasis of calm and comfort at every moment of the day? It’s taken me nearly a year to say, you know what… it’s ok. Sometimes you lose your temper in a public shopping centre when they bite you and make you bleed. Sometimes you just have to let them cry because you wouldn’t let them steal from the LEGO shop. Sometimes you can’t be the perfect mother. It’s taken me nearly a year to realise that’s just not a thing. But we survived. We made it back to the flat that I really can not find for the life of me no matter how many times I come here. We had dinner with no tantrums, a relatively calm bath & only a few tears at bedtime.

As she finally relaxed into my arms and gave up the fight she’d been battling all day, I told her how much I love her. Again and again. Almost as a, ‘Sorry I wasn’t good enough today’. But tomorrow is a new day & we’ll start again. I’ll try to be more patient, properly prepared, better organised… the list goes on.  For me that’s what being a Mother is; finding the strength when you thought you had no more to give.

For tonight I’m going to take a deep breath, which may well be my first of the day & keep telling myself ‘It’s ok’, while I resist the urge to google how many calories were in that giant piece of cake…

cake

 

 

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